Friday, August 28
so we finally talked. all the gray areas have turned out to be black ones. i thought talking to her would clear things out but then it became more vague in the sense that i dont know if we're still friends. thank goodness i found d courage of approaching her cause im really uberly afraid that she will just ignore my presense. and everything just turned out to be a surprise. i dont know but during that time i just cant think rightly. i cant find d right words to say nor express or think what is bound to be thought. it was one the moments in my life that i did not know how to face. cause as she said every action has an equivalent reaction. and i admit im very poor at understanding people especially her. i never thought that those jokes i've said was a dagger to her. super stupid jin! am i really that stupid to feel that i've been overly crossing to her limit. now i dont have her trust anymore. and our friendship is standing out on the cliff. i dont know if i could turn back things to what were they are before. and writing these makes me cry right now despite the fact that im in our school's internet lab and a bunch of people would hear me sob. am i really the most bad friend that ever existed? if only i've been sensitive enough it wouldnt sum up to grudge. stupid me i cant even recall every word i said that hurted her. and im really clueless on what to do next. i have no idea on what will i do next after that incident. i couldn't come up with the right words nor actions to say. seems like every thing i do was just a one step closer to mistakehood. 1 hour from now, we might be able to talk again. its not yet clear if everything would be alright. do i really need to change for a friend? what if this is really me? i just couldn't control my stupidity and bluntness. i'm always insensitive if im going beyond the limit of joking. it makes me so much afraid to talk again to her. cause every action i may do might be equalized by a reaction that i couldnt decode nor thought of decoding. one things for sure now. i admit my mistake. yes i was really bad when i tease her about those things. but im determined to change. not for the sake of our feasib nor our case study, but for the sake of our friendship. she's one of my most beloved friends in college and i dont want to lose a friend as unique as her. i didnt thought i can think like that towards her. she's been one of my trusted friends and in just tiny drops of my stupidity, im losing her. im sorry. though it may seem that i dont understand everything, i just couldnt come up with the right actions and words to express my self. i my self dont understand my self so how could i do something i dont have. i hope next time i could be a better friend to my friends. or even to the level of being a good friend. maybe thats just the worse things i have. im naturally a bad person that's why people hates me secretly so much. if only i could understand the language of theirs. if only we can still be friends despite my mistakes. if only things would just go normal. if only im not like this. haix. anyway, wish me luck for the next 1 hour! please God. let her forgive me.
Juiced 7:35 PM
