the effects of my hormones.
Saturday, May 2
i've been asking myself... how would you know if you're a good person? and how wud u know if people see you as a good person? and i've been also asking myself if im a good friend. and if i've done enough or too much or too less for my friends. so many questions left unanswered and hanging thats been constantly hanging unto my mind. by being a good person, will i be a good friend? or by being a good friend make me a good person? i've been thinking lately if my college friends really love me. its not that i doubt them, but honestly yes. i doubt them for appreciating my presence. yeah we're friends and i really super love them all cause i see them as a substitute for my siblings and ofcourse as friends. but sometimes, i just dont know if they would miss me when i finally left this world. i value friendship so much though i dont know how to express it. i just try to give my best shot to make them happy. but sometimes i also doubt my self if i've been doing the right thing. last night, as i was looking at the stars while drinking a cup of hot choco, i remembered a phrase that's been like a dagger stabbed unto my heart. i dunno, everytime i remember it, i just somehow feel sad about it. ever since i was young im usually afraid about the future. when i was in elementary i was afraid to go unto highschool and i fear what would happen after graduation. that's why i've been so much addicted to planning to disspell the jinx that the future may offer. and since future has been one of my phobia, past became a button to my emo side. if you put them together, one major neuclear bomb.
that person told the crowd when asked how'd you see yourself 5 or 10 yrs from now. and that person answered, "away from this!" pointing to me. jokes are half meant u know. call me onion skin, but im sorry its just one of the most painfull things a person have said to me. someone can call u b!tch, ugly, psycho, demon, pervert and any other names but all of that, u can prove to them that you're not by changing your bad habits. but being pictured by someone as having a life with someone like me, it just simply hurts. i dunno how to put the right words but, am i that bad or so eewy person that you dont want to cross your paths again with some in the future just makes me say to myself, am i really that awful that some people dont like my presence? im not asking that we'd spend our lives forever. its just incidental that i've been hit by something i fear the most.
i love the present. but im afraid to live my future. how do i survive?
Juiced 5:43 AM
