fairy godmother.
Thursday, April 16
one thing that i didn't realize for the longest time is my Ninang's (i call my mom's sister, my aunt, Ninang cause since i was little, our cousins and i used to call her in that name. and ofcourse she's my Ninang on my baptism) frustration or desperation to be a parent. actually, the reason i know why she's not yet married was because she is taking care of me, the very sickly me especially when i was young. im not the type of daughter who is so vocal and showy on how i love them so much. its not that i dont love them, its just im too shy to show it and i dont know how to be sweet with them in a way that it wouldnt be awkward to me. oh crap. i know i shoudnt behave this way cause i might regret it in the future but its part of my personality that they know that im not a sweet loving person.
anyway, i was using my Ninang's cellphone when i suddenly browsed at her archive in her inbox. some of those are Smart's Mother's and Father's day greeting. it really made me teary when i saw that saved message cause usually, i dont greet them on special occasions cause im too shy to do so but deep inside i really do want to express my love to them. maybe im just a bad person. im sorry for being such a jerk. but then, im hoping that i could find a way to change this.
as i was saying, she's not married and she's fully dedicated in helping my mom in raising me especially on the financial part. and tonight im guilty of a crime. i walked out after her all her naggings to me. for the past few weeks, she's been complaining a lot with all my works. ofcourse who likes to be nagged and feel worthless and useless. i just couldnt stand listening to all the negative reactions she's saying about my works and being. i know i should've admit my mistakes and prolong my patience and understanding but before dinner, i just went up on our rooftop and stayed there for 2 hours to stop my temper. and now i realized that she's just doing these for my benefit. but ofcourse everytime she nag me, you cant blame me if i feel bad towards her sometimes. cause admit it, she's a strict-boss type of person. you know, the type of boss who always corrects mistakes no matter what the employee would feel. sometimes she's just so insensitive towards me and my mom's feelings. i know its inappropriate to be sensitive towards someone who is making you alive but im just a human with feelings and emotions. oh well, i hope we'll all feel better. ofcourse im always doing all i can to please them but sometimes my candle loses it light due to strong wind. sorry for saying all this stuff. i hope i have let my stress go through these.
Juiced 12:03 AM
