Who wants orange juice?
It's fresh.
hehe..

last night, i wasn’t able to sleep early. i panicked all night and morning cause i realized that my St. Jude bracelet was lost. i searched, think, try to remember and panic, everything, i cant find it. i got frustrated and i almost cried. i know its just a material thing but that stuff is more important to me than a cellphone. if i were to choose among my stuffs which one could go lost, this one surely would equalize my laptop, im afraid they might scold me if i lost my laptop, but if we’re rich, this will surely be the least thing i want to be lost. and so i cant find it. this is how i suspect how things get complicated. tuesday morning, as i leave home, i noticed that my favorite white watch is lost but because i was running late i decided to just wear my brown watch and decided to take the lrt. its always crazy and choatic out there competing with barbarian working gurls. so when i was standing on the platform waiting for the train to come, i decided to make my St. Jude bracelet safe. i was wearing it on my right hand and i pulled it off and put it inside my right pocket which is somehow jammed packed cause my 2 cellphones and rosary is there. i felt relieved after i did that cause im always worried that my bracelet would broke off if i let it worn during that time. and so as i arrived at my station, i weirdly cant get my card off the entry point and luckily, there’s still newspaper and so i bent to get one. i rushed to school and arrived late. as i settle down after i arrived at my seat, i tried to feel if my bracelet is still. whenever its not in my hand, i usually paranoid that it would get lost so i usually check it on my pocket. as i checked it, i seem not to find it. but because i think my pocket is full of stuff, i first think that it might be hidden deep down. but that time i began to worry. later, i tried to search it again but i still cant find it, so i said to myself, maybe when i get home, i would be able to see it, i even suspected if i was able to bring it. it was already late night when i get home. it was a long day at school and too many stuff happen that i almost forgot about my bracelet. so come evening when i’m changing clothes, i noticed that something is weird among my stuff. i went to do my usual stuff and next day i didnt go to school cause i sit in enough. wednesday evening, as i was preparing my thursday handouts and stuff, i noticed that my white watch was there. but my St. Jude bracelet wasn’t. i searched every corner and every where it would be capable of occupying. but no trace. i even asked my mom where did she found my watch and searched that place. i even suspected, is there a bermuda triangle inside my room? its 2:30am and i decided that its so late that i need to go to sleep for school. im not calm, i cant even sleep. i want to cry. i weeped a little. i decided to finish the movie “a beautiful mind” but i wasnt able to do so cause they’re telling me its late so, 25% left to completion, i turned off my laptop. but still,. as i lie down, i was thinking about my lost bracelet. the first time i saw it on G’s hand after i prayed thoroughly that God would let me graduate during our second time to go to St. Jude, i automatically fell inlove with its beauty and i said to myself, i want one! i’ll buy that for sure. i asked G on where she bought it and so i bought one. i was really happy having it. all my friends who are very dear to my heart has one. maybe, we’re 15 who has it. the same exact St. Jude bracelet. i always wear it or i always bring it whenever i go out. it has a deep special meaning to me. it makes me feel safe and happy whenever i see it. it reminds me of my friends and our devotion to St. Jude. i dont feel alone whenever i see it. it is my constant reminder that He’s with me and so as my friends. it signifies our hope for our one dreams. its my most special material thing. its like my friend whose always there wherever i go. i dunno what else to describe it. but looking back, few days ago, maybe monday, or whatever day, i was thinking, what if it get lost? what would i do, or if someone offers me maybe 1 million for it, will i give it? or i imagined it framed as i grew older. i imagined a future with my bracelet. maybe around 3am i was still awake. i was thinking if i’ll just continue studying and go to school without sleep or sleep. but i slept. and surprisingly, they didnt woke me off. my class is 8am and i woke up 8:45am. sh!t im soooo damn late. i rushed for p2. its the first time i didn’t wore my St. Jude bracelet. i tried to calm myself and i just said to myself, after the boards, i would buy one. im afraid to buy another cause i bought one whose bigger before when i thought i lost my original one, and i experienced a second something. and so, i think i wont buy one for the meantime. we’ve been together for a year. it has been with me during my happy and difficult times. its my smile maker. after i became a better person in May, i’ll surely buy one. but ofcourse if someone would buy me a replacement now, i would surely love it. and i will be more careful. but, im still hoping that soon enough, my beloved St. Jude bracelet and i will meet again. please come back! thank you for reading and please, pray that we could meet again. i hope you understand why it means a lot to me. God Bless!^^,

i never felt so alone than this past week. its like a living hell. i kept on crying over things. i hate crying. especially if its december. cause its supposed to be a happy season. you know that feeling. that you just keep everything inside you and there’s no one to tell your pain. you seek for a friend but there’s no one answering. everybody’s busy and acting weird lately. i dont know if i made a big mistake in my life for choosing the wrong people because i cant find someone who could make me feel better during this time. was it suppose to be that your friends would make you feel better when you’re sad. but i got no one. everytime i remember things i just couldnt stop pausing and trying to stop my self from crying. this is the reason why i dont like to take college before. because as soon as i finish it, i know it’ll be just me, my mom & tita and who else? nothing really lasts forever than your life and your family. they’re the only thing i got. im so tired living alone. i never had a sister nor a brother so there’s no one to turn to when im old. this past few days, i came to conclude that friendship is forever, but sadly, not on my case. i’ve attached myself too much to people who are too busy with themselves and doesnt give a damn about me anymore. its hard to be left. but its harder to be left behind and pushed away. how i wish i met people who can prove to me that bffs are real. everybody just leaves. thats why i never planned my life when im old. cause im afraid to consider who will be there.

i dont know whats wrong lately but i hope i can bring my life to normal again. my head is a horrible place and my eyes gets smaller and smaller. life has its own way of making us strong but this one, this challenge i’ve been waiting to finish, is one hella one. i know life is precious but it makes me feel lifeless. as if i dont have a spirit. my life is a big mess right now. and i just couldn’t find where to seek my energy. its as if its better to live a life after death. cause atleast there, i know i wouldn’t feel this melancholic. i cant find happiness. no, lemme rephrase it. i already found happiness but they dont like me anymore.

Dear God,
Please let me be happy tomorrow. i've been spending 4 and half days of my life like a zombie. so please God, let it be a happy day tomorrow. thank you and i love you.

they say Christmas is in the air. everybody's attending christmas parties. everybody receives gifts. everybody's feeling having a good and fun time. but for a happy person that people perceive me to be, sadly now, im not. i hate being depressed during christmas. long before, it was one of my fave part of the year. but lately, i've been worrying how many would even remember me during these time. i really hate being depressed during christmas. im generally a happy person. happiness inspire me to do good and continue my life. its like my fuel. and now the tank is almost empty. i dunno why i cant just be happy. was is just because i cant beat myself? maybe its really true that a flu medicine wont heal an lbm. you need the precise remedy to a sickness so that you would heal. i really hate myself for being like this. my life stopped. i just want to sleep so that i wont feel the pain. it feels like a zombie. i hope i can get back my life. i want to be happy again. now i realize im a person full of pride. but i really want someone to save me. to care for me.

why cant i just continue my life normally? as much as i want to get them out of my life, i cant cause they're like my water. i can still live but i'd be forever thirsty. as much as i want to talk to them i just simply cant. i somehow want to make them feel how awful they've became to make me feel miserable. plus i cant cause i haven't totally forgiven them. i hate lying so i want to talk to them when i totally feel okey. but seems like my absence is not a big deal. maybe they really can live with out me. seems like its happier if im not around. i just hate myself for overthinking things. why cant i just not care anymore? how come i still love them and want them in my life? why the heck do i became so much attached with a person like this so much. next year i hope i can learn to be not too much attached to a person. or more appropriately not be able to love and care anymore. i just hate how much i've invested my love for them but all i get was just this. there's no return of investment. all i want is a friend. why cant i have one? oh crap.

i had a big sin. i never expected that i could get to that point because of anger.i've never felt so pissed off with them as much as i was last night (and until now). i just couldn't help thinking that way. i wanted to really cry last night but my mom's around. and as soon as she went upstairs and im alone, tears began to flow unto my eyes. i've never been hurt like that before. i cannot even sleep because of i really feel awful and mad. i even cried myself to sleep and challenged Him not to wake me up again for the 3rd time. after waking up, pain seem to go away but after eating breakfast and sitting on the corner trying to relax before i take a bath, pain seem to get back again. and things became unexpected. i was so mad that i want them be killed. thats one of the awful thoughts i had so far in my whole life. i know i've been bad to Him. i commit too many sins because of impulsive emotions. but you cant blame me. i've never felt so humiliated. they just dont know how much those words hurt my feelings. the person i think who believes so much from me said that to the whole world affirmed by my most trusted person. i hope they learn to respect me a lil bit more. and learn to be more sensitive with my feelings. i thought i dont want to live in this world anymore, but this morning, i thought, its not that i wanted to end my life, its more like i want to live in a world where people loves me and shows it. i've tried my very best to be really nice to everybody. i've never loved my friends as much as i love them now. but all i get was those words and this awful feeling about myself. God, if you're really real, why do you allow other people to hurt your child?

P.S. im sorry for being like this. i just couldn't take away the pain.

i admit, i did not did my best when it comes to my review. i sometimes have those days that im overly irratatingly lazy. and i have never finished all my reviewer nor read every bit of my handout. i also admit that i've doubted myself so many times, to a point that after our first preboard, i would just want to quit. and up to this very moment, there's still tiny bit of a second that happens in my heart and mind that i've been afraid. not just afraid, its killingly mindfreaking insomiacly frightened with the 3 things that could happen. undoubtedly, you cant stop me thinking that way. i failed my 2 preboard exams in cpar.in undergrad, though there are times that i fail some exams, i have never experienced failing a subject. but that preboard, is somehow a practice for the actual. for me its like a subject in undergrad, thats why it hurts so much, to a point that i cried out of pitying myself for being so stupid. despite every efforts i made, everything ended as a big disappointment. i also want to admit that there came to a point in my mind that i want a very few people to fail. yeah. selfish. and very evil. people might hate me for thinking this way but i have a overly pathetic reason. if they'll fail, my probability of passing would increase. BUT after attending afternoon self review in room 4. i realized how important this is to everybody. how much everyone fights for that 3 letters. so i can safely say that i want every person i know, ofcourse me, and every God believers to pass. and i also want to admit that there comes a few moments that i doubted His time for me. and thats the biggest mistake i've done so far. and i'm sincerely sorry for doing that. He has been my Salvation and my Hope, i am trusting Him 101%.


so thats it! those are the negative things that i've been hiding inside my heart.its just a relief saying those things i've been too afraid to verbalize to everybody. now every people in the world knows how crazy am i. and look how pathetic am i, i've checked prc tonight despite i know the results would be released tomorrow. the day many lives of my colleagues will change. the day my life will change. i dont just want nor need to be positive. i am positive! God has showed me His saving powers for my graduation last march, now october, i believe He will listen to my prayers. God is good. i strongly believe that we just need to ask, through prayers and He will give it to us. Ask and you should receive. To my very loving Creator, i'm sorry if You need to carry my cross again. i kept asking, but thats the only resort i can lean on. Its the only way i know, aside from studying, would be the reason why i would pass. So now, i can safely say that i've gave my best. because i have gave my faith with God. Thank You God. i want to make You proud. i will make You proud i promise. im so happy you love us so much. So to all my fellow CPAs who is waiting for the result, keep on praying. and after the results, keep on praying. and for the rest of our lives, keep on praying. Because we are human created by the Best Dad that loves us indefinitely. So help us God. Thank You God! I LOVE YOU!^^,

just as im ready to move forward and hug you... suddenly, by the difference of 5 seconds, you just gave me a reason to step back and cry. man, i hope i didn't went home early. but then,. i hope i did what was planned earlier rather than to experience this... i realized im now ok now, i mean i dont feel bad towards you. im just afraid to approach you cause im still skeptic. i just cant help it. damn me. you suck lil me! you really are one of my price possession that im slowly throwing away because of this damn stupidity that im doing. if only i can tell you i was sorry for being like this for this past few days. if only i can admit to myself that all along it was all a mistake. if only i can fool myself and ust forget about everything. cause i know, if i do it in a hurry, things might happen again. damn you lil jin. why dont say what u felt. dont just stay there and keep the issue by yourself. i dunno whom to speak to. soon. iL have the courage to patch things up. but i wont tell what happened. i would never ever tell. unless i trust you completely again. i miss you soooooooooo much. u just dont know how much i've been trying to feel better.

"I know that you need to be away from me so that my love for you will never be deeper and deeper each day." Nov 4, '06 1:35 AM
for you


this was a very short excerpt i read from my blog entry many years ago. as usual, my impulsive self suddenly want to read a certain blog i wrote for myself. thankfully, it was here on my multiply account. i was really young, not so innocent but literarily driven that time. writing had become my best medium of surviving from my depressions and angst, and who wouldn't forget, my hidden feelings. its weird to hear myself say that because these past few weeks i have been avoiding writing so that i can have sanity and serenity on my mind but after being inspired by that entry, i couldn't resist to write.

i would want to say a little background about that sentence. actually, it was not originally a blog entry but rather, it was a letter that was unsent because im to weak to do it. so i entitled it "the unsaid". lol, very cheesy young me back then. it was a letter addressed to a person who became so special to me. that time, i think, i couldn't hold my feelings anymore but im too weak to show it. that is why writing has been my outlet.

i am pretty sure right now, i dont feel the same way anymore. i have fully and absolutely moved on and grew up from what we had before. that is why after tonight, i had the full courage to reread that entry that crushes my heart everytime i read it before. it was like watching a comedy film while i was reading it this time. but when i bumped to that phrase, i started to be teary eyed. it's not that the feelings came back but somewhere, i realized that i did something good in the past that woke up my present and i hope, would be a good step for my future. i just simply love that realization i made few years back. i wasn't expecting to hear something from me to say something like that nowadays. thanks to my past emo and hopelessly romantic self that i hate but secretly love right now. that woke me up. and i hope i can listen from myself and to Him from now on. it was really fun looking back at things. thank God, He let us invent writing.

sasabog na ang puso ko. miss na miss na kita.

lately, i can't play normally in poker. im still a bit affected by that last game before i slept. it was annoying that everytime i had my hands, i usually remember my co-player said. i remember his name correctly. Robert Sullivan. lately, i didnt realized that my bluffing techniques has been a normal strategy. and i didnt quite realized that it was getting obvious for others to see. at first he told me.. stop bluffing jin. on that moment, i was always making an all in to all my chips. but then i didnt listen thinking that im too sleepy and losing wouldnt be a big issue. and so i lost after i all in-ed. and that lost, he made a word, as i was still on the room. that's what u get from bluffing jin. bluffing gets you nowhere jin. at first thought it was just nothing to me. but then as i went unto my life, those words made a mark unto my heart. little by little it went unto my cerebellum and i finally related it unto my life. he's right. i should've been bluffing all my games, people are not idiot. bluffing is not always the best option to survive. yes, it would give a fast easy remedy but its not the main solution for everything. and if put into layman's term, bluffing is still lying. oh man. i've been bluffing lately. and its really not getting me to my desired place. i guess this wake up call had rang the big bell that i've been pretending not to hear. im not just blinded but also been too much dependent by this way of survival. hate it that it became my means of desperate means for desperate measure. i need a change if i dont want to be marked as gaga by mom and tita. lol. and as well as Lady Gaga's dedication should be idolized. yeah jin. change. its for your own good. so for now on. minimize poker and less bluffing!


oh by the way, happy birthday to my friends.. LG, commonly known as Gale. and Jessica and Bea! Hope to greet you in the coming years! lol, as if they'd see this. but then, its just a reminder to me that sep. 21 is my college friends bday... that made me think, how cool is it to celebrate a bday like their date. its been one of my dreams to have a bday that is a school day. but technically it has no classess today, still its cool to have a bday during a semester. at least u wont be alone in your bday and a lot of people would greet you. it feels special when people remembers, taken in mind that i normally live my life alone, provided im just an only child. anyway, another cool thing i love with their birthday is that they are all in the same age and they are 3. feels like you have someone who has the same date and time as yours makes you feel that you were not alone in this world when u woke up. it's as if you have other people living on your same body time. how cool is that? and as an added bonus, feels like you almost have other sisters which was not born on the same womb. an instant twin or triplets sister. i always dreamt of having a twin sister or brother. just a sibling would do. i really envy those people who have one. but then, birth is something inevitable. same as death. you cannot change the time you we're born and most especially the family you were born with. but that's life i guess. i should cherish what i have. and im really thankful to have my mom and tita by my side. and what else can you ask, you have a birthday which is a holiday! every year your family dont need to have a day off for you. anyway. i should be going. i need to finish this poker round. i've been multi-tasking. lol. GL for me and everybody!^^,

so i went downstairs to eat dinner at around 1:30pm. and as i finished cooking my food, i sat down and watched tv. and as i was browsing channels, 1 scene catched my 99% attention. on hbo, the movie rocket science was showing. and as i remember, i partially saw the trailer before and i liked it. so i watched it with all my attention. and just by the scenes i remembered some foolish things i've done before. from high school to present. one thing, the debate team. man, it reminds me of the reason why we lose on the semi's. and next is his stage fright. which reminds me of my recitations, board works, defense, and so for. hate it to speak in public without the proper equipment to beat the monster. and 3rd that "drive" thing. we're more of an impulsive. i just dont want to elaborate. but they look somehow the same. kinda reminds me. and next was the L thing. whoa. just as my dream that i cant catch because of the other reasons here. i didnt realize that i could feel bad after being amazed with how they delivered the scenes and how it was well directed. anyway, someday soon, im going to download it and beat it from start to finish. hate it. i was really sleepy while watching it and being amazed. thats why i needed something to make the bad feeling a little bit different like losing 150T in poker. lol. bye for now.

so we finally talked. all the gray areas have turned out to be black ones. i thought talking to her would clear things out but then it became more vague in the sense that i dont know if we're still friends. thank goodness i found d courage of approaching her cause im really uberly afraid that she will just ignore my presense. and everything just turned out to be a surprise. i dont know but during that time i just cant think rightly. i cant find d right words to say nor express or think what is bound to be thought. it was one the moments in my life that i did not know how to face. cause as she said every action has an equivalent reaction. and i admit im very poor at understanding people especially her. i never thought that those jokes i've said was a dagger to her. super stupid jin! am i really that stupid to feel that i've been overly crossing to her limit. now i dont have her trust anymore. and our friendship is standing out on the cliff. i dont know if i could turn back things to what were they are before. and writing these makes me cry right now despite the fact that im in our school's internet lab and a bunch of people would hear me sob. am i really the most bad friend that ever existed? if only i've been sensitive enough it wouldnt sum up to grudge. stupid me i cant even recall every word i said that hurted her. and im really clueless on what to do next. i have no idea on what will i do next after that incident. i couldn't come up with the right words nor actions to say. seems like every thing i do was just a one step closer to mistakehood. 1 hour from now, we might be able to talk again. its not yet clear if everything would be alright. do i really need to change for a friend? what if this is really me? i just couldn't control my stupidity and bluntness. i'm always insensitive if im going beyond the limit of joking. it makes me so much afraid to talk again to her. cause every action i may do might be equalized by a reaction that i couldnt decode nor thought of decoding. one things for sure now. i admit my mistake. yes i was really bad when i tease her about those things. but im determined to change. not for the sake of our feasib nor our case study, but for the sake of our friendship. she's one of my most beloved friends in college and i dont want to lose a friend as unique as her. i didnt thought i can think like that towards her. she's been one of my trusted friends and in just tiny drops of my stupidity, im losing her. im sorry. though it may seem that i dont understand everything, i just couldnt come up with the right actions and words to express my self. i my self dont understand my self so how could i do something i dont have. i hope next time i could be a better friend to my friends. or even to the level of being a good friend. maybe thats just the worse things i have. im naturally a bad person that's why people hates me secretly so much. if only i could understand the language of theirs. if only we can still be friends despite my mistakes. if only things would just go normal. if only im not like this. haix. anyway, wish me luck for the next 1 hour! please God. let her forgive me.

despite everything, why do i still love you? so much? am i really that stupid that even the most obvious fact, i still kept wanting you? soon enough we'll be strangers. and that makes me worry because i know, its the end. the only thing that bind us would be lost. i love you. i really do. i hope its not the fact, but sadly its something i did not managed to control. and when you're gone, i dont know how i could survive those nights like this that im so much hungry for your existence. i miss you despite. i really do. why does it has to come to this point? i just cant contain everything. the bucket of my love for you is overflowing. i know you dont give a damn on it. you never really cared. and that hurts me so bad. despite that i love you.. and i know you can feel it too... but still you dont love me too. God, please free me. im dying all because of you.

he lead me unto the stairway that leads to the heavens. but as i went there to find him, i found gray clouds that deviate me from seeing clearly. im blinded.

they said it only takes 10 mins. to eat a 1 hr. prepared food. and you may love someone the moment you saw him but it takes a lifetime to forget a real pain. we're not there yet. but i just cant stop smiling every time you get in touch with me. at our first meeting you trully left a remarkable footprint that i first thought to be annoying. but as days went., i realized how it touched my inner desires i've been needing for so long. but though im beginning to feel impressed with everything you've done you were lost. i dunno wats happening but that absence made me uncomfortable with our future. that short absence made me miss you in a bit though i know i still dont admit it from this very moment. and that absence made me realize our differences. im afraid to take risks. thats why im not good at poker. but as much as i dont want to gamble my love that i will share for you, im starting to became hesitant though before im willing to give it a shot. where are you now? now that i went all the way here, and spend my time waiting for you, you're not here. but i know its my fault. you poked me several times but i ignored you. i am sorry. i just dont know when will be the right time to show my appreciation. cause i believe that everything that was gained easily would also be lost easily. im afraid that when i finally say that im ready, you were just a fraud. but above all, if ever you will be there next time, i promise we will climb the mountain and see the clouds.

why is it so weird that our mind cant just shut down when we're feeling sad, depressed or miserable? its been long since i stayed this late but i still cant find the comfort of loosing myself with my humble bed. so many things that tried and made me happy today but i just cant find the right way to forget that damn thing i made. if only i did the right thing before it happened. if only i wasnt overjoyed with short joys that life can bring me. maybe next time i should not trust myself and sit back and relax. so simple thing, so badly done. i hate it.

and so im back for a while. since yesterday, i never felt uneasy. i havent blog for so long so i feel im being insane right now. i want to say a lot but i need to make everything secret. and all of what happened since last thursday was tormenting me. i feel so guilty about it. to that person i've sinned so much though helped me so much, im really sorry. though you wouldnt be able to read this cause i choose to hide the truth to you, i feel so guilty that i cant even say sorry on what have i done to you. i know im so selfish but its the only way to get what i want. which made me lie to you bigtime. im really really sorry. i dunno if i could smile to you when we meet, but God knows how much i desired for it. i never intend to make you believe. for all the people, it is you who believed in my lies that i need to live between our worlds. i feel so ashamed of myself. there's no turning back. and i know you will hate me if i'll say to you the truth. it's one of the biggest lies i made in my life. i really really feel bad about it but i have no choice but to do it. time made me do it. and my impatience and selfishness. im trully a bad person. if only you knew how much im feeling bad right now that from all the people in the world, it has been you that fate choose to believe in my lies. i hope you will forgive me. And most importantly, i hope God will forgive me. i know i will be punished with what i did but its the only way i know. nothing else promise. im really really sorry. i just need to say this to you cause i know i wouldnt be able to tell you this. never ever. cause i dont want to lose what we have.

now i know how a murderer feels when he successfully hides himself from the crime scene. i just feel ultimately uneasy, paranoid, guilty, unfocused and nervous of being caught. you almost hesitated but i won by another lie. today was one close one. and today was the peak of all the lies i did. if God will punish me, just subtract my life span please. im really sorry. i hope you'll understand soon. and i hope i could tell you the truth. sorry. sorry! sorry so much.

i hope i can feel better after writing this.

how many tears will i cry to stop loving u?
how many nights i will spend thinking of u and i through that majestic journey?
how many heartaches i will spend just to let u go?
how many blogs will i write just to tell the world, my world, u... that u've hurted me so much?
how many times will i lose my self, my sanity, my being all because i love u?
but u dont care at all.
when will be the very last time i'll give my life to you?
when can i stop?
please, be it right now. sooner. cause i need to have a life w/o you.

why cant we choose whom we will love?
can we?
if we can, why cant i?
and if others cant, why am i one of them?
whats the secret formula?
what?!
i really have no idea about things.
im losing myself if i continue this.
but why cant i save myself?
why?
is it because im willing to die for the very nonsense love?
why cant i just face that damn truth that you dont love me?
you never did.
i dont believe in you.
but still...
i

one thing. i cant sleep.
two thing. its because of you. i miss u terribly.
three thing. we're not meant.

i've been asking myself... how would you know if you're a good person? and how wud u know if people see you as a good person? and i've been also asking myself if im a good friend. and if i've done enough or too much or too less for my friends. so many questions left unanswered and hanging thats been constantly hanging unto my mind. by being a good person, will i be a good friend? or by being a good friend make me a good person? i've been thinking lately if my college friends really love me. its not that i doubt them, but honestly yes. i doubt them for appreciating my presence. yeah we're friends and i really super love them all cause i see them as a substitute for my siblings and ofcourse as friends. but sometimes, i just dont know if they would miss me when i finally left this world. i value friendship so much though i dont know how to express it. i just try to give my best shot to make them happy. but sometimes i also doubt my self if i've been doing the right thing. last night, as i was looking at the stars while drinking a cup of hot choco, i remembered a phrase that's been like a dagger stabbed unto my heart. i dunno, everytime i remember it, i just somehow feel sad about it. ever since i was young im usually afraid about the future. when i was in elementary i was afraid to go unto highschool and i fear what would happen after graduation. that's why i've been so much addicted to planning to disspell the jinx that the future may offer. and since future has been one of my phobia, past became a button to my emo side. if you put them together, one major neuclear bomb.

that person told the crowd when asked how'd you see yourself 5 or 10 yrs from now. and that person answered, "away from this!" pointing to me. jokes are half meant u know. call me onion skin, but im sorry its just one of the most painfull things a person have said to me. someone can call u b!tch, ugly, psycho, demon, pervert and any other names but all of that, u can prove to them that you're not by changing your bad habits. but being pictured by someone as having a life with someone like me, it just simply hurts. i dunno how to put the right words but, am i that bad or so eewy person that you dont want to cross your paths again with some in the future just makes me say to myself, am i really that awful that some people dont like my presence? im not asking that we'd spend our lives forever. its just incidental that i've been hit by something i fear the most.

i love the present. but im afraid to live my future. how do i survive?

why do people love life? and why do some dont? if i dont want to live, will you believe if i said i dont love life? i just dont get the idea why people are afriad to die. me, im not! really promise! im afraid to be hurt physically (and ofcouse emotionally. lol) that would lead to my death. its as if, you are free to kill me but dont hurt me. if its my time, then so be it. many say they want to see Him but afraid to go first. i would love to see Him in heaven right now. if only i'm an angel, things wont be as complicated as living a life. i know i should cherish life that has been given to me but why cant we choose to see Him if we really want to? seriously, i want to talk to Him and have a chit chat over the misadventures i did. is it really right to say that suicide is an immoral thing? what if its my reason? not just because i hate my life or i lost my bf or my boss fired me or just simply life sucks, but because i want to talk to God. is it wrong to kill yourself just to be with our Creator? relax, im not going to end my life. im just confused with the norms, traditions, and morality of our society.

i watched a tv show recently and it made me think somewhat. why is it things could be unfair with that idea? the lesson portrayed on the drama is accepting the truth about boys having another relationship with other woman. i hate that culture. or should i say that nature of man. the show says that we should accept cause its now part of the culture. being sticking to 1 is not only a proof of loyalty but rather it shows how much you love your partner by loving her full time, devoting you self for her alone. if you really love her, she is enough for you. no excuses.

P.S. haha. it just a realization. im not referring to someone in particular.

so i guess i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. i dunno. im currently mad right now with no apparent reason. or mabe, yes there is. sometimes i hate blogging. it makes me think more. and again i had my insomia. my tita even scolded me for staying late. anyway, beside that, i hated how i remembered what i heared from the radio as i was lying on my bed and trying to get some sleep. apparently, its true. truth hurts. and its one heck of a truth that i've been trying to fool my self for not existing. why does this need to happen? why is it has to be this way? and why am i always feeling these way whenever theres a new conivance. i hate it. i super hate it. well, maybe i need to continue creating my wall.. my barrier... the wall that i've always been destroying whenever the coast is clear and rebuilds it in times like this. consistency. thats what im lacking. i really need to learn to build a strong wall. something bigger than great wall of china. so no matter what i wont hurt anymore. anyway, so much for these. i havent had my breakfast yet. well then, good morning!^_^

my day went well playing isketch. i really love it so much. anyway, tonight im mad again. why in the world... from all the people in the world have i chosen somebody who keeps hurting me unintenionally and maybe intentionally. why cant i let go and forget this feeling? why does it hurt so much seeing how much you dont care to me? i hate you! yet i still think of you. oh gosh. i need to set my barriers. i need to let go. i need to finally erase my longing. sad part is... you wont notice my absence. even for a bit. well maybe thats how sad life can be.

okey. lets say im a very noisy person. this is my 3rd one for today. i just want to challenge my self. if ever i finished everything tonight, i would definitely disobey my ground rules of going out. its just a reward. oh well. whenever i finished it or not. ofcourse most of the time i really do finish it, it usually ends up to something similar.. they'll just see the weak spot and nag at my imperfections. though i finish everything with flying colors and 101% effort, it all ends up to one thing. im not good enough. haha. so cheessssyyy. well then, we'd be making it. something i've planned since last 2 weeks ago that keeps being delayed because of our sked. oh well. better finish it so that at least i could get my reward. bye then.

"Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need."


...we haven't talked for a while cause of course he's so busy with being "that" (he wants to keep it as a secret). and i visited his page, and read this interesting quote. oh well. i just wanna share it with everyone. a perfect sentence to describe our connection.

in every post of a blogger, it usually says, oh hi im new in here and etc. well. i just want to make something different so this is my last post. lol. just joking. anyway, this is my second acct. here. i forgot my first one back when im 1st year college (im an incoming 5th yr. thanks to Him. hehe) i think and my friend asked me to have an acct. so we can still have a secret world. oh crap. so emo. i made one and i stopped cause i have soft spot of loyality on my first blog page in fs. anyway, after a week of abstinence, i decided to visit my multiply and on the inbox i saw my friend saying that she has an acct. in here. i remember my acct and decided to check it out if its still working but as i said earlier, i forgot my password and so here i am now creating my new acct. here. its better to have a new acct so that people wouldnt see my cheesyness and etc. with him before. hahaha. oh well. better follow my healthy sked. i've been disobeying it since my close friend called and we had a long talk until its morning. haha. anyway, i'd be watching honey and clover right after this, why am i saying that? oh well, i just want to advertise. i did not expect that it could be good. it woke up my inner cheesyness. hahaha. next time i'll try to have a concept i've been thinking to start since last month. good night! this maybe my last normal post. next one's maybe a lot cheesier. haha. oh crap. i've been saying a lot of cheese. well then, have a cheesy life... sometimes! haha. God Bless!^_^

Name: JiN
Birthdate: MaY 1
School: Orange Academy
Email: catch me if you can

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